I went Sunday and picked up my father’s ashes from the funeral home. I’m sick and tired of waiting for my family to answer their phones so i can talk to them. I wanted to have a service for my dad, i came up with over 1/2 the money for it, all that was needed was an extra $300. My brother had said before he was willing to put money towards the service, and my sister said she could also put money towards it, but my brother still has yet to call me back. I called 3 days in a row leaving messages, I’m not going to beg him to answer or call back. I waited until Sunday for him to call, that was the longest i was willing to wait. I wasn’t leaving my daddy down that funeral home any longer.

I’ve been so angry,upset,sad,depressed and just fed up with everything that has happened since my daddy passed, i refuse to carry around those emotions any longer. I know i did right by my father and i tried my best to give him the respect he deserves, but i can only do so much on my own. I have a long battle ahead of me to fight for my parents home, i need to prepare myself for it, i can’t do that until my father is taken care of first. He is the most important to me so that’s where i am now.

I’m moving right after Christmas into my parents house. There are bills that will be due soon so we have to. I’m taking my father with me and letting him be in his home for at least a day, then i have to make the call to the cemetery and see about getting him buried right next to my mom. That’s if my family doesn’t decide they want to have a get together before he is buried. I would know if they would call me and talk to me about it. I’m stuck taking care of everything…. It isn’t right when we have a total of 5 kids… One is just… just.. yeah, the other is a plain out selfish asshole, the other acts like he cares but doesn’t answer when i need him the most and my sister, she is ready to pop (baby) and under a lot of stress right now, so there isn’t much she can do. I understand she can’t do anything but the others…. there is no excuse.

Whatever…. i always knew in the end i would be the one to take care of my father, i loved him the most and i still love him more then anything, i always will. My other siblings like to hold on to the past, and never wanted to deal with my dad because he was pushy. I didn’t care how pushy he was or what happened in our past, all i cared about was being there for him and letting him know that i loved him and cared about him. I liked to spend time with my dad, he was funny and always made me smile. It’s not always about YOU, sometimes you just gotta put yourself aside and think about others. You have to accept people for who they are, especially your father.. I always wanted to yell at them all GET OVER YOURSELF, LET IT GO. Now, that’s what i have to do, let all these emotions go and move on.

That felt good.. i mean to let that all out. Now i can move on from it.

My dad’s favorite song, I’ve been listening to it a lot.

I’m doing OK today. I had a better day, i was able to work some things out that were bothering me so some of the weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I also ordered another film camera since i am digital-less. I sold mine last month with the intention of getting a new one for xmas but now that we have to pay a lawyer, our rent, my dad’s mortgage, our bills, my dad’s bills, and some other expenses we just don’t have the money to buy me another camera. Priorities first, even if it sucks :/ The important thing is, after it’s all said and done i won’t lose my childhood home. The reason i would lose it in the first place is because my dad didn’t get a chance to write his will. It was scheduled to be done on 12/09, my dad passed away 12/07. Both of my parents wanted me to have the house since I’m the youngest and the only one who actually grew up there. So whatever it takes i will do.

Everything has just been extremely difficult since my daddy passed. I’ve been under an extreme amount of stress. I must have lost at least 10 lbs because i don’t eat right, i don’t sleep like ever, my emotions are just everywhere, and i feel like I’ve been in a never ending nightmare. Today was the first day that i was able to get out of bed and move around. I’ve had no life in me at all. I just stopped living completely and shut myself down.

I hope what i write isn’t like TMI. I just have always been a open person. I’m not ashamed or afraid to talk about my life, I’ve been through so much even though I’m young, that i learned a long time ago to just be honest and open. It saves you a lot of heartache from things building up inside.

Around 2pm on December 7th my father passed away, i was not there. I was always told that God would not put you through more then you can handle and i think i couldn’t of handled seeing him pass.

You know, i guess i was a little naive because even until the very end i truly believed he would get better. I would stay up until 6 or 7am researching medical websites looking for something to make him better. Every single night i searched and searched. I looked up every single fungal infection there was eliminating the ones my dad didn’t have symptoms of. I looked up treatments for his cancer, i searched and searched until i believed i had enough information to demand them not to give up. I researched delirium and what causes it never believing it was a sign he was dieing. I refused for one second to believe he was going to die. After all night of searching i woke up with 2 or 3 hours of sleep and went to the hospital. I stayed with him at the hospital almost all day long every single day. I mashed his potatoes because he couldn’t eat them whole with the sores in his mouth, i gave him drinks through the holes on his oxygen mask when he was thirsty, i got him coffee, snacks, things from his house, i made sure he had everything he asked for. In the end i could not give him the one thing he wanted.. food. I had my husband beg the nurse to let me feed him pudding but she said no it was to risky, that he could choke. I watched my father in complete delirium tied to the bed by restraints with hospital mittens on his hands arch his back, open his mouth and eyes really big and reach as far as he could for cereal that was not there. I will NEVER forget that. I have that image in my head and no matter what i do it will NOT go away. That is why when i got the phone call that he would not make it through the day i went into complete shock to the point that i was yelling at my husband to wake me up repeatedly because i honestly believed i was dreaming. I kept yelling “why won’t you wake me up” “it’s just a dream” i was rocking back and forth on my bed yelling and crying and in no condition to go to the hospital. I could not watch my father die when i still had this belief he would make it. Even when i was told he was would not make it, my mind somehow still made me believe that he would wake up and he would be OK.

Around 1:50 i was in my bathroom dry heaving, shaking and trying to calm myself down when out of nowhere i suddenly calmed and came running out of the bathroom screaming “I’m ready take me down” my husband was so shocked his jaw dropped and he asked me what happened. I got to the hospital to late and i collapsed on the floor in tears. I tried to make it but i was to late. I believe he passed right around the time i was in the bathroom and either him or God himself took the pain away enough for me to go down there. I did not go back to see him, in a way i wish i would have but like my husband said there is a reason i didn’t make it down there in time. I couldn’t handle any more pain, i couldn’t handle seeing my father go and i definitely could not handle seeing him dead, but i still feel bad.

I keep beating myself up for not going down the hospital when he was dieing but then i remember my state of mind and i tell myself there was nothing i could do to make myself go. In the end i did make it to the hospital, i just didn’t make it in time and that’s what hurts the most. Every single time i tried to get up the strength to go i would get dizzy and start dry heaving. I kept falling to the floor and it was like some kind of force was holding me down. I think when i was told he was dieing and that he would not make it through the day, my mind was so set on him getting better that i just lost all control over myself. I guess my mind started putting up blocks that wouldn’t allow me to believe it was true, it was like when i told myself i had to get down there my mind said no you don’t it’s not true your just dreaming and you’ll wake up soon. I have never lost complete control over myself but i did then. I wish i could accept that i just could not do it but i just feel so horrible about not being there. It’s like i know i couldn’t handle anymore but i hurt because i couldn’t handle anymore to be there for him when he died. I don’t know if that makes sense or not but it’s how i feel. I have to let it go and i think i will in time but right now it’s just so hard.

In his moment of clarity the night before i told him i loved him and he told me he loved me to. I don’t know how he came out of it for the time he did but i’d like to believe it was God letting me have a chance to see my father one more time, the delirious person was NOT my father the one i was able to tell i love you to was my father and i thank god for those few minutes i had with him.

Before his delirium got really bad i had spent from 11am until 7pm with him in the hospital and he had said to me “Just remember i will always love you” and that, is what i will remember.

I’ll remember him making jokes and being ornery, I’ll remember him teaching me to play softball, I’ll remember him with his slr taking photos of me and my sister when we were little, I’ll remember talking to him on the phone for hours and hours at a time, I’ll remember watching movies with him when i went to visit, I’ll remember taking him to have old fashion pie at the diner and how much he loved it, I’ll remember the beautiful garden he planted and how proud he was, I’ll remember him with his tool belt on fixing something or another, I’ll remember him carrying me in his arms when i couldn’t walk from asthma attacks into the ER, I’ll remember him playing his video games, I’ll remember him watching cartoons, I’ll remember the love and happiness he brought me, I’ll remember him as the father i love so very much. I didn’t just lose my father i lost my best friend.

Wind blowin’ on my face
Sidewalk flyin’ beneath my bike
A five year-old’s first taste
Of what freedom’s really like
He was runnin’ right beside me
His hand holdin’ on the seat
I took a deep breath and hollered
As I headed for the street

Chorus
You can let go now, Daddy
You can let go
Oh, I think I’m ready
To do this on my own
(It’s still) (It still feels) a little bit scary
But I want you to know
I’ll be okay now, Daddy
You can let go

I was standin’ at the altar
Between the two loves of my life
To one I’ve been a daughter
To one I soon would be a wife
When the preacher asked,
‘Who gives this woman?’
Daddy’s eyes filled up with tears
He kept holdin’ tightly to my arm
‘Til I whispered in his ear

(Repeat Chorus)

It was killin’ me to see
The strongest man I ever knew
Wastin’ away to nothin’
In that hospital room
‘You know he’s only hangin’ on for you’
That’s what the night nurse said
My voice and heart were breakin’
As I crawled up in his bed, and said

You can let go now, Daddy
You can let go
Your little girl is ready
To do this on my own
It’s gonna be a little bit scary
But I want you to know
I’ll be okay now, Daddy
You can let go
You can let go

Song Written By Crystal Shawanda

So much has happened since my last post. My dad isn’t doing as well as previously mentioned. My emotions are just everywhere at this point.

First i was told by a pulmonary doctor that they believe his cancer has progressed into his lungs and he’s to weak to do a test to see. She said they can just keep him comfortable or give him antibiotics to treat him for an infection. She said she didn’t believe he had an infection but she couldn’t be 100% sure because they can’t do a bronchial test. I was basically told my dad was dieing but they could do antibiotics so they can say that they tried everything. I told them to do it and my dad said OK to it. I was not and still am not ready to give up on my father.

I continued to ask everyday if they think it’s an infection and if he’s responding to the antibiotics and they said it was to early to tell. As the days go on he seems to get worse. He now is getting no food, they claim that they are afraid of him aspirating, but they give him pills by mouth, they give him water by mouth but yet they won’t allow me to feed him pudding. He hasn’t ate anything in a few days, my father needs food and my family and i are getting pissed. Their supposed to try a feeding tube but i honestly believe if they would just let us give him food he would eat. Today we found out for sure that he does have an infection, they believe it’s a fungal infection but they have to wait for the microbiologist to confirm what kind it is. I wonder HOW LONG he has had this? After all the tests he has had done, you would think they would have NOTICED something was up… but we’re talking about the VA here. I’m so fed up with that place.

Right now, he’s not sleeping, he’s on all kinds of meds, his oxygen isn’t so great and he is now at the point where he is delusional. They have my father strapped down to the bed along with wrist restraints. He kept pulling his iv out, pulling the hose from his oxygen mask out and trying to get up and leave. He hasn’t slept right since he got there. Maybe a few hours here and there but that’s it. He’s asking for food over and over but again they told me i could not give him the pudding i brought for him. He’s angry that he’s strapped down, he’s angry because his wallet is missing (the nurse changed him and he forgot to tell her it was in his gown pocket, we believe it’s lost somewhere in laundry or stolen) and from everything going on his pulse was as high as 160 and his oxygen 71. He kept asking me to cut his wrists free, he was yelling at me to get him out of the restraints, he’s highly agitated and won’t calm down and he mumbles constantly. He refuses to sleep, even when he comes to, i try to tell him to sleep but he won’t. I believe he is afraid because he was sleeping when he woke up and could not breath or move which is why he is in the hospital. He’s afraid he won’t be able to breath. He kept asking me the one day what his oxygen was every time he would doze off for a second then wake back up. I kept trying to tell him his oxygen was OK just to please get some sleep and stop worrying but he didn’t. This was when he was coherent, it was just a few days ago..

Going to see him right now is very hard. It’s not my father… my father doesn’t say there are mice in the ceiling when there is not, my father doesn’t tell me to take my shoes off in the living room when he is in a hospital, my father doesn’t tell me to throw cigarette butts away that are not there. He is so out of it and so angry, he kept saying i did this to him, i put him in the restraints and he’s yelling it at me like he really believes it’s my fault. I keep trying my best to calm him and to get him to come out of it, he does for a few minuets and then he goes right back to angry, agitated, and delusional. His pulse is going from 90 to the 100’s and I’m trying and trying to calm him but he’s so angry he won’t listen, his oxygen is dropping to the 70’s but again he’s so angry he won’t listen when i tell him to take deep breaths. What do you do? How do you find the strength to withstand seeing your father like that? How do you help him when he is so out of it he can’t focus to listen to you? How do you tell him he can’t have food because the nurse said he might choke on it? I wanted to give him food more then anything he NEEDS to eat but she repeatedly told me no. My father is saying over and over and over that he is hungry and i can’t help him. I called my sister when we left the hospital tonight and told her what was up with my dad and how he wasn’t getting ANY food at all and she told my brother, who is medical power of attorney, all about it so he is calling tomorrow to flip out because there is NO REASON why my dad can’t have food that’s either pureed, or very soft or at least his ENSURE he needs SOMETHING, he’s starving. It’s so heart shattering. If they don’t do something tomorrow i don’t think i can take it anymore, i’ll give him food to eat even if it’s broth, i refuse to let him starve.

At one point i thought he was better. He asked me for some pop, asked me why he was restrained and i explained because he kept pulling at his hoses and he said “I’m being stupid, I’m sorry hun i didn’t know i was doing it” Then he asked me for something to eat, asked me where my sister was and i mean i thought ‘hey he is OK’ and then just as quick he left again. That’s the only way i can explain it. It’s like he comes back and leaves again.

He’s on medicine that was just started to try to get him out of the state he’s in but the doctor said it would take a few days. I hope it works soon, it’s killing me to see my dad like this. I just wish he would stop fighting the sleep. He needs it more then anything. If he would just sleep he would feel a lot better.

It’s so hard right now, my emotions are so up and down that i am having a hard time just functioning. I tried to explain things the best i can but if i make no sense i am sorry. I am emotionally and physically drained.